You lose your job. You get passed over for a promotion. Or even worse, you become the victim of an impromptu diagnosis.  During times like these, it’s only natural you start to question your life’s path.  However, it is in these challenging periods that God calls us to wake up to who we truly are, but under one condition: We allow the experience to strengthen us, not harden us.

Who’s afraid of the big, bad emotions?
“This was not the plan,” I thought.  At age 25, I found myself in a whirlwind of heartache and in dire need of some serious soul searching.  After immense suffering, my grandfather lost his battle with cancer.  In less than one year, I witnessed a once active man disintegrate into skin and bones.  To make matters worse, I was entangled in a ménage à trois I couldn’t seem to escape: me, a soul-crushing job, and a toxic beau.

As heartbreaking as the loss of my grandfather was, it forced me to venture outside my cage. The imprisonment of mental chatter can be a tricky warden because you never know whether it’s telling the truth or not.  Yet, it appears to always have your best interest at heart. 

I was so focused on achieving that I blocked out the sound of my inner voice. When the ‘ish hit the fan, I took a sabbatical from my neurotic goal setting and focused on the task at hand –  awareness.  For the first time ever, I resisted the urge to self-medicate with things like work, alcohol and sex, exposing my wounds instead of trying to cover them up. 

Mindfulness 101
In Buddhism, there’s this great quote that says: “You only lose what you cling to.” God uses our most devastating experiences to shape us into the leaders we are to become. We may wonder why things didn’t turn out according to plan when the culprit was not our misfortune, but our attachment to the itinerary of our journey.

The practice of mindfulness prompts us to not only become aware of when we become trapped by negative emotions, but to also change how we interpret our difficult experiences.  It requires us to sit with our fear, our hurt and our pain completely unarmed.  Instead of medicating ourselves with self-prescribed busyness, remaining present allows us to revel in our feelings of discomfort and push past them.  The funny thing about emotions is that once you face them head on, they will quickly run the other way.

The validity of our anguish is determined by our perceptions, not our circumstances.  Think about it: What would life be like if you didn’t believe the stories in your head? Let’s suppose you disregarded all the chit chat that told you things will never get better or you’ll never survive this.  Sure, in theory, being laid off is a bad thing. However, it could also be the Universe’s way of telling you it’s time to write that novel you’ve been dreaming about. The point is this: Once you learn to welcome life as it comes — without trying to dictate the outcome — you’re able to break the trance of fear and depression.

On my 28th birthday, I decided that the “Sex and the City lifestyle” I worshipped had run its course. After a series of relationship mishaps and career blunders, I had hit rock bottom. And this time I couldn’t rely on a book, a man, or a cocktail to soften the blow. In my last attempt to find solace, I hit the ground and began to pray.

With my Catholic school days long behind me, God had become more like a distant cousin, who while I knew He existed, I didn’t write or keep in touch. But after many failed attempts to fill the deep black hole that I felt within – with a career, alcohol and men – it was time to try something new. This was the beginning of my on-again, off-again relationship with God.

While I loved Him with all of my heart, I found some of His rules hard to follow:
1. No sex before marriage (1 Corinthians 6:17-20).
2. No wine or strong drink (Proverbs 20:1).

For me, the idea of abstaining from sex and cocktails was like asking me to stop breathing. After all, I was a 20-something single girl in a world where sex is as routine as brushing your teeth. While I was never the promiscuous type, I did enjoy getting my “feet” wet from time to time. Despite my initial protest, I agreed. Even though, I have fallen off the bandwagon and onto a pony on more than one occasion, I’m happy to report I’ve been “clean” for almost one year.

I must admit, refraining from sexual activity gives a woman a whole new perspective on life. Celibacy will not only make you more productive–as sex can be a bit of a distraction–but it will also take your exercise regimen to another different level. Let’s be honest. You have to find some way to work off that sexual energy.

On a more serious note, abstaining from sex and alcohol was the beginning of some much-needed healing. What began as a simple act of obedience sparked an inner transformation and a life-long love affair. Deepening my relationship with God helped me to realize that we’re not here to simply occupy space; we’re spiritual co-creators designed to fulfill a specific purpose.

So, I decided to give up my five-year plan, toss the self-help books, and submit my life to a higher purpose. Funny thing is, I had spent the majority of my life trying to change from the outside in –relying on goal lists, action plans and willpower. Never did it occur to me that the only One who could transform my life was within.

Yesterday, I picked up the September issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. After reading the article, “31 Ways of Looking at Power,” I started reflecting on the “true” definition of power. Society equates power with social status and material wealth. However, over the years, I’ve learned that real power is not something we acquire through possessions or a fancy job title. Our ability to be powerful is in direct proportion to our willingness to take a stand for what we believe in, serve our community, and be comfortable in our own skin.

As women, we often lose our power when we settle for an unhealthy relationship, an unfulfilling job, or when we constantly compare ourselves to others. During my early twenties, I was constantly fixated on receiving approval from others: my parents, friends, society and peers. It took me years to finally discover the real me and to not look to others to validate how I lived my life.

Up until that point, my life was one big ol‘ mess. I hopped from relationship to relationship and from job to job in search of the “one person” or the “one thing” that would make my life complete. Unfortunately, that search led me down some pretty dark roads: depression, attempted suicide and an abusive relationship. Yet, it is because of those experiences that I have developed the capacity to love myself and show compassion for others.

Reflecting back on those challenging times, I realize that much of my inner turmoil stemmed from a lack of self-love. I defined my worth by acceptance from others. I thought if only I were prettier, had more money, or had a better job the broken pieces of my life would “magically” fall into place like some storybook fairytale. But it wasn’t until I gave up this neurotic need to fix myself that I began to cultivate a strong sense of self.

For the past two years, I’ve been on an intense spiritual journey. The focus of my life has become less about resolving or hiding my imperfections and more about serving others. Throughout this experience, I’ve discovered that life is not about what we achieve or even whom we help along the way; life is about who we become in the process.

The greatest power a woman can inherit is recognizing her ability to be the authoress of her own life, and the moment you start writing your own life script you’ll develop a character of influence, purpose and unshakable inner strength. So live fully, laugh often, and leave a legacy.