Envision this scenario: You meet a man. He’s handsome, charming, gainfully employed and attends church regularly – Mr. Good on Paper. After weeks of flirting, he finally asks you on a date for a little dining, a little dancing, and some stimulating conversation. You of course, agree. During the date, he gently takes your hand in his, looks into your eyes, and confesses he’s looking to settle down with that one special woman. Your heart melts. Could he be the one?

Fast-forward one month and things couldn’t be better. The two of you are spending all your time together and your heart is telling you he’s the one, so you give in to your fleshly desires. There’s just one teeny tiny issue: He failed to mention that being monogamous isn’t necessarily his forte. While he loves the idea of commitment, he can’t seem to follow through on it. And this becomes painfully apparent as you discover he not only has two baby mamas, but also a third child on the way.

Funny, how we seem to find out about things after the fact. After we’ve mentally planned out our wedding and picked out china patterns. Or had 12 rounds of mind-blowing sex. As women, we want to believe that Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome is “the one,” so we ignore all the cues from within that tell us otherwise.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

The Bible cautions us to be careful about who and what we subject our hearts to. (I can’t count how many times I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.) We always fall short when we let our emotions (and our hormones) weigh in on whether our new beau is worthy of our heart. It takes time to form a genuine relationship and once you give up the goods, it’s hook, line and sinker. Even if we later discover the guy is a loser, we still find ourselves craving his companionship – whether we want to or not. Before we invest too much of ourselves into a relationship, it’s important that we get to know a man… and most importantly, THE MAN (God).

Periodically, your attitude of having a mate may fluctuate between desperation and patiently waiting for God’s timing. Now that I’m in my thirties, I find myself swaying between being happily single and hearing the tick of my biological clock. However, being single is the perfect time to be about God’s business, developing your talents and realizing your life’s purpose. After all, who has time to wallow in loneliness and self-pity when you’re out there making a difference in the world and dedicating yourself to something greater than yourself?

But I admit, it’s not always easy to resist the allure of every fine, six-foot, bald-headed man I meet. (Okay, I have a thing for tall men with bald heads.) During times like these, I simply cry out to the Lord and say:

“Please God help me resist the urge to jump on Mr. Hella Fine and do naughty things; in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Don’t be afraid to be real with God. Prayer is not a time to be prim and proper and merely recite memorized scriptures. The more honest you can be with God and with yourself, the more intense your Divine connection will be. As you strengthen your relationship with the Creator and focus on cultivating His presence in your everyday life amazing things will happen: You won’t be so consumed with chasing after love; you’ll start to feel more loved and less needy; and you’ll experience more inner joy and contentment.

Photo credit: Micheledias via Flickr.

How can you prevent yourself from repeating the same unconscious relationship patterns? Here are four tips to escape dating déjà vu, and start attracting healthier and happier relationships.

Get rid of the emotional skeletons in your closet
The only surefire way to prevent Mr. Wrong from taking up residence in your life is to clean house. Start working on unresolved issues either through journaling, or by writing a letter to someone who has hurt you in the past. Write out all those gut wrenching experiences and how they made you feel. Then destroy the pieces of paper, which will signal to the universe that pain no longer has a place in your life. Finally, forgive. You cannot move forward if you are still holding grudges. Even though this person may have wronged you, it’s better to be healed than to be right.

Become your own best friend
Since we attract who we are, invite loving relationships into your life by living a life full of love – starting from within. Oftentimes we expect others to love us, when we aren’t even kind to ourselves. We complain about our chunky thighs or our not so flat stomachs when we should be celebrating our curvaceous frames. Or we compare ourselves to others, wishing we had their lives not recognizing the beauty in our own backyards. Begin practicing self-love by identifying your best parts and projecting them to the world. Make a list of at least ten positive things about yourself, and read them aloud on a daily basis. Focusing on your finest qualities will attract those same qualities in others.

Create a vision of your ideal romantic relationship.
Sometimes we settle for less than we deserve because we haven’t a clue as to what we’re looking for in a partner. We may find ourselves going with the flow to see what happens. Unfortunately, by the time we figure out our mate is far from ‘prince charming’, we’ve already become comfortable with their misbehavior. So we start to rationalize their negative underlying traits like emotionally unavailability and lack of ambition in hopes that one day it might magically disappear.

Before entering your next relationship, develop a vision of what your ideal partner and relationship looks like. How does it feel? What qualities does your mate possess? What types of activities do you enjoy together? Once you create a picture of what a happy and healthy relationship looks like, you can then start attracting it.

Become Ms. Right
If you expect to find a man that is open, honest and drama free, be committed to being that kind of person yourself. Make a conscious effort to treat others with respect and toss the game-playing aside. Participating in childish mind games in an attempt to gain control of a situation will only attract a playmate. You’ll soon find yourself licking your wounds when Mr. Wrong engages in a little foul play to even the score. The bottom line is this: the closer you move towards becoming Ms. Right the sooner you will attract Mr. Right because people of like minds are automatically drawn to one another.

An uninvited houseguest
Self-loathing has popped into my life on more than one occasion. Initially, it started out with short visits: a pity party over a mishap at work that day or a week of overindulging in fast food and sweets. Then it progressed to more long-term stays. I’d mismanage my money and find myself in a financial rut for weeks on end; fail to exercise and nourish my body with enough fresh food and water; and I’d allow men of questionable character into my bed when I knew they didn’t have my best interest at heart. To say the least, self-loathing had definitely made itself at home.

Emotional housecleaning
It has taken me several years to clean up my self-love act. For starters, I had to get clear about what it means to really love yourself. Self-love is more than getting a mani-pedi every week or treating yourself to the latest designer handbag. While many of us say we love ourselves, if we paid closer attention to our thoughts and actions and how we treated our bodies, we’d soon realize we’re not as loving as we claim. In fact, if we did really “love ourselves,” we wouldn’t continuously experience self-doubt, sacrifice “me time” for “we time,” settle for unsatisfying jobs and relationships, criticize our body parts, and overindulge in food we know is not good for us.

The Four-fold path
I admit that the journey to self-love is no cakewalk. It takes lots of intense self-evaluation, forgiveness, personal reflection, and radical acceptance. Along my own journey to loving me, I have experienced several emotional breakthroughs. When I began getting real with myself about the reasons behind my poor choices and forgave myself for my misbehavior, my life changed. My thoughts, actions and decisions all started to shift.

So, as you begin to steadily make your way to this place called self-love, be patient and don’t beat yourself up about what might seem like a lack of progress. There are going to be a lot of twists and turns: breakdowns and breakthroughs. However, the key to staying on track is believing you’re well worth the wait.

According to the United States General Social Survey, women are less happy than they were forty years ago, as compared to men, and as women get older they experience greater periods of sadness. In this post, I’ll explore three social trends that are destroying our emotional well-being.

The happily-ever-after myth
Personal fulfillment and life satisfaction continue to elude many young women because we’re looking for it in all the wrong places. The trappings of contemporary living keep us in a constant state of busyness, searching for that proverbial “pot of gold” in a career, in accomplishments, in a relationship or marriage, and in materialistic possessions. We find ourselves pursuing any and everything to sustain that feeling of accomplishment and importance, even when what we’re striving for isn’t necessarily what we desire.

I can recall several times in my own life when I’d hop from one thing to another in search of the one thing that would satisfy me. I’d changed jobs, date multiple people, and work out obsessively to achieve the ideal body. However, none of those things produced lasting joy. I’ve discovered over the years that until you discover who you are and become comfortable in your own skin, you’ll always feel incomplete.

A case of mistaken identity
Our culture is obsessed with physical appearance, having more, and achievements. As a result, we’ve become so occupied with measuring up and fitting in with societal standards that we often don’t realize how we’re giving away pieces of ourselves. Our identity no longer becomes a question of who we really are, but who others want us to be. So we keep our real selves hidden at bay because if people found out who we really are, our peers might not accept us.

How do you define yourself? Do you judge yourself by your accomplishments or possessions? Or are you a woman that defines her value based on an ability to show love and compassion for others and engage in selfless acts of service?

Act like a man, think like a woman
Browse through any bookstore and you’ll find countless books on how to “act like a man” to get what you want out of life. There’s an underlying message in our culture that makes openly displaying your emotions and being your authentic self the equivalent of social suicide. Instead, you should “act” and “play hard to get” to have your needs met.

Time and time again, I’ve seen women downplay their femininity for social acceptance. Because they don’t want to appear too emotional or too aggressive, they resist speaking up and voicing their true opinions at work. Or, they attempt to take on a more masculine approach to dating — juggling multiple partners and having sex without commitment — thinking it will make them more desirable members of society. Regardless if you’re a man or woman, neither of these paths will lead to contentment or inner peace.

The only way to find yourself is to leave yourself. So every now and then, you must push past fear’s door and wear your heart on your sleeve… for all to see.

Every day women are compromising their values and standards for the sake of having a boyfriend. Singledom is a time to appreciate the essence of who we are as women. So, what do you do until you find Mr. Right?

Here are ten tips to get you started:

1. Be all you can be physically. Make sure you’re eating a healthy diet and exercising on a daily basis. Not only will you have more energy to enjoy life, but the extra endorphins will help elevate your mood

2. Develop a unique sense of style. Being a diva starts with being in touch with your inner self and being comfortable in your own skin. A true diva always dresses the part. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who takes care of herself.

3. Get your financial house in order. Learn about how to make your money work for you. Take some investment courses, invest in real estate, or develop a budget and stick to it.

4. Develop your spiritual muscles. Go to church, pray or meditate. Having faith will sustain you in the toughest of times. When loneliness comes knocking at your door, surrender to God and He will comfort you.

5. Become your own lover. So many times we depend on others to make us happy. The greatest joy comes from the ability to satisfy our own needs. Make yourself a gourmet dinner, take a nice hot aromatherapy bubble bath by candlelight, or go see a play. Don’t wait for someone else to start enjoying your life.

6. Create a support network of girlfriends. When the chips are down, it’s your girlfriends who will stick by your side and lend an ear when you’re on a venting rampage. Plan a girls night out or a day at the spa. If you’re looking to meet new people, join a professional organization, attend special events, volunteer for your favorite nonprofit organization, or join a gym. A good resource is Meetup.com where people of similar interests gather for monthly events.

7. Build your career. Without the responsibilities of a husband and kids, this is the best time to pursue your dream job. Find out what you’re most passionate about; do what you love and the rest will fall into place.

8. Get to know yourself. Develop hobbies and figure out what makes you happy.

9. Map a plan for your life and work it! Where do you see yourself in five, ten, or twenty years down the road? The key to being successful is having that “futuristic vision” (the ability to see yourself in the future). Once you have your vision, take a step each day towards attaining your goals.

10. Take a calculated risk. There’s nothing worse than having regrets later in life about what you didn’t do. Instead of asking why, ask yourself why not?

Just when I’ve packed my bags and made the decision to walk away from dating for awhile, it pleads with me to stay one last time. I politely decline. “My heart belongs to another,” I say. “You can’t take His place.” In a last attempt to win me back, it sends three exes my way. Three exes in the past four days have contacted me out of the blue.  But I’m hip to this scheme. Not too long ago when I threatened to leave, it plotted to win me back using these same tactics. Unfortunately, that time I wasn’t so lucky.

For now, I’m terminating my ties with dating so that I can devote my love, time and attention to God and the pursuit of inner bliss.  In the past, I would often find myself cheating on Him – swapping prayer and quality time for all night rendezvous with the male pick of the week. In spite of my misbehavior, God always took me back when Mr. Not So Fabulous had broken my heart once again. I must admit, dating and I have had our share of good times, but now it’s time to follow my heart and not my hormones.  It’s time to fly solo so I can master the art of self-love and tireless devotion before I give my heart to another.

I recently came across this beautiful quote that says it all: “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” May these words encourage you on your path to everlasting love.