An uninvited houseguest
Self-loathing has popped into my life on more than one occasion. Initially, it started out with short visits: a pity party over a mishap at work that day or a week of overindulging in fast food and sweets. Then it progressed to more long-term stays. I’d mismanage my money and find myself in a financial rut for weeks on end; fail to exercise and nourish my body with enough fresh food and water; and I’d allow men of questionable character into my bed when I knew they didn’t have my best interest at heart. To say the least, self-loathing had definitely made itself at home.

Emotional housecleaning
It has taken me several years to clean up my self-love act. For starters, I had to get clear about what it means to really love yourself. Self-love is more than getting a mani-pedi every week or treating yourself to the latest designer handbag. While many of us say we love ourselves, if we paid closer attention to our thoughts and actions and how we treated our bodies, we’d soon realize we’re not as loving as we claim. In fact, if we did really “love ourselves,” we wouldn’t continuously experience self-doubt, sacrifice “me time” for “we time,” settle for unsatisfying jobs and relationships, criticize our body parts, and overindulge in food we know is not good for us.

The Four-fold path
I admit that the journey to self-love is no cakewalk. It takes lots of intense self-evaluation, forgiveness, personal reflection, and radical acceptance. Along my own journey to loving me, I have experienced several emotional breakthroughs. When I began getting real with myself about the reasons behind my poor choices and forgave myself for my misbehavior, my life changed. My thoughts, actions and decisions all started to shift.

So, as you begin to steadily make your way to this place called self-love, be patient and don’t beat yourself up about what might seem like a lack of progress. There are going to be a lot of twists and turns: breakdowns and breakthroughs. However, the key to staying on track is believing you’re well worth the wait.

According to the United States General Social Survey, women are less happy than they were forty years ago, as compared to men, and as women get older they experience greater periods of sadness. In this post, I’ll explore three social trends that are destroying our emotional well-being.

The happily-ever-after myth
Personal fulfillment and life satisfaction continue to elude many young women because we’re looking for it in all the wrong places. The trappings of contemporary living keep us in a constant state of busyness, searching for that proverbial “pot of gold” in a career, in accomplishments, in a relationship or marriage, and in materialistic possessions. We find ourselves pursuing any and everything to sustain that feeling of accomplishment and importance, even when what we’re striving for isn’t necessarily what we desire.

I can recall several times in my own life when I’d hop from one thing to another in search of the one thing that would satisfy me. I’d changed jobs, date multiple people, and work out obsessively to achieve the ideal body. However, none of those things produced lasting joy. I’ve discovered over the years that until you discover who you are and become comfortable in your own skin, you’ll always feel incomplete.

A case of mistaken identity
Our culture is obsessed with physical appearance, having more, and achievements. As a result, we’ve become so occupied with measuring up and fitting in with societal standards that we often don’t realize how we’re giving away pieces of ourselves. Our identity no longer becomes a question of who we really are, but who others want us to be. So we keep our real selves hidden at bay because if people found out who we really are, our peers might not accept us.

How do you define yourself? Do you judge yourself by your accomplishments or possessions? Or are you a woman that defines her value based on an ability to show love and compassion for others and engage in selfless acts of service?

Act like a man, think like a woman
Browse through any bookstore and you’ll find countless books on how to “act like a man” to get what you want out of life. There’s an underlying message in our culture that makes openly displaying your emotions and being your authentic self the equivalent of social suicide. Instead, you should “act” and “play hard to get” to have your needs met.

Time and time again, I’ve seen women downplay their femininity for social acceptance. Because they don’t want to appear too emotional or too aggressive, they resist speaking up and voicing their true opinions at work. Or, they attempt to take on a more masculine approach to dating — juggling multiple partners and having sex without commitment — thinking it will make them more desirable members of society. Regardless if you’re a man or woman, neither of these paths will lead to contentment or inner peace.

The only way to find yourself is to leave yourself. So every now and then, you must push past fear’s door and wear your heart on your sleeve… for all to see.

On my 28th birthday, I decided that the “Sex and the City lifestyle” I worshipped had run its course. After a series of relationship mishaps and career blunders, I had hit rock bottom. And this time I couldn’t rely on a book, a man, or a cocktail to soften the blow. In my last attempt to find solace, I hit the ground and began to pray.

With my Catholic school days long behind me, God had become more like a distant cousin, who while I knew He existed, I didn’t write or keep in touch. But after many failed attempts to fill the deep black hole that I felt within – with a career, alcohol and men – it was time to try something new. This was the beginning of my on-again, off-again relationship with God.

While I loved Him with all of my heart, I found some of His rules hard to follow:
1. No sex before marriage (1 Corinthians 6:17-20).
2. No wine or strong drink (Proverbs 20:1).

For me, the idea of abstaining from sex and cocktails was like asking me to stop breathing. After all, I was a 20-something single girl in a world where sex is as routine as brushing your teeth. While I was never the promiscuous type, I did enjoy getting my “feet” wet from time to time. Despite my initial protest, I agreed. Even though, I have fallen off the bandwagon and onto a pony on more than one occasion, I’m happy to report I’ve been “clean” for almost one year.

I must admit, refraining from sexual activity gives a woman a whole new perspective on life. Celibacy will not only make you more productive–as sex can be a bit of a distraction–but it will also take your exercise regimen to another different level. Let’s be honest. You have to find some way to work off that sexual energy.

On a more serious note, abstaining from sex and alcohol was the beginning of some much-needed healing. What began as a simple act of obedience sparked an inner transformation and a life-long love affair. Deepening my relationship with God helped me to realize that we’re not here to simply occupy space; we’re spiritual co-creators designed to fulfill a specific purpose.

So, I decided to give up my five-year plan, toss the self-help books, and submit my life to a higher purpose. Funny thing is, I had spent the majority of my life trying to change from the outside in –relying on goal lists, action plans and willpower. Never did it occur to me that the only One who could transform my life was within.